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Wednesday, September 27, 2017


I woke with the darkness curling around my gut - a hunger for something other than food, other than anything identifiable.
The bitter comfort of shapeless despair wraps me in the plush folds of smothering regret like an old friend.
This I know.
The old familiar sting, as the poet once sang.

There is a certain peace in returning to misery - feeling the familiar shape of self-loathing like an old skin I once wore and somewhere discarded, finding me as I am now and shaving the rough new edges back into the older patterns.

Positive habits, formed with desperate, crawling clutches for "happiness", are discarded with the cynical surety of resignation. What do these matter, when they are voluntary fictions?

There are more things to regret in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in philosophy, in neuroscience, in psychology and sociology - all our feeble attempts to understand the ultimate mysteries of our selves.

Today I choose to glory in my old shapes of loneliness, to wallow in the empty fields of my own mind - perhaps to reacquaint myself with myself. 

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Optimism Sings

Sing a song
she told me softly,
stroking my hair
and wiping my tears,
Sing a song
Of love and happiness-
It always helps
to sing, she said.

I tried to sing.
I really did.
But all that I could do
Was cry.

I cried for love
I cried for hate
I cried for joy
I cried for pain.

But my friend
She said, so sweetly,
Crying just wont help
- at all
Crying does no GOOD

Oh? I said,
Well neither does
A song.
I cried on,
I could not stop.
She sang - to help
the tears.
We neither of us
Changed a thing
Or helped
A single life.


i pretend i feel nothing
it's easier that way.
i pretend that i'm laughing
but the tears won't obey.
i pretend i don't love you
and sometimes i say
if i pretend i feel nothing
it'll all go away


I love you
- I think
I need you
- I think
I want you beside me
I can't live without you
I need you to hold me
- I think

You're the only one
-I think
You're all I'll ever need
-I think
My heart is fulfilled
My life is completed
My mind is consumed
- I think

Bits of Beauty

Life continues as it is
Bending, changing for no one.
Life is a constant challenge
To smile, to laugh, to live...
Every once in a very long while
A moment of beauty displays itself
With no effort from any one
But most of the time
It takes all you have
Power, strength, and wisdom together
To hold the moments of beauty

Idealism (God and his vanity drawer)

Craving the normality I strictly avoid,
I walk through the world with the bodiless voices
Of those in my life who have fought the same fight;
Parents and cousins who fought to become
The people they were, above and beyond
The outlines and ideals of body and spirit.

Life calls us all to become what we can
Nothing can stop us save our limited minds.
The world that awaits is perfection and love
Some people call it the Kingdom of Heaven
I try to believe its the future of Earth.

Enlightenment, morals, knowledge and peace
Combine to ensure the fellowship of man
Together, linked, we carry our weight
All of our spirits commune beyond words
We find a new spirit
Create a new God

Lost, One Soul - by Sandy McIntosh

I lost my soul in a fit of temper
I threw it at somebody's head
and slammed out
without a second thought
      Then I dumped it in a wastebin 
      along with a love I said I was finished with
I sandpapered my spitit
with a million
bitter barbs
and sent it into orbit
and substituted
guilt instead
      My soul went cold
      with memories of old friends and kin
      who never expected
      to be neglected
      and resolutions
      I'd eluded
Then one day I went to feed it 
and it was gone
and now I hear it howling
in the wind outside
in the nights
in the hills
        and I get the chills inside
and hide in something that's not important
and it's four in the morning before I can get warm enough
to weep enough
to fall asleep